Everyday

every night I cry my self to sleep thinking why does this happen to me? Everyday I ask why does every moment have to be so hard? I need one more chance to make everything right. I am a failure. Everything I do is wrong. The word pain is described as "an unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease or emotional disorder" all of that is true. The pain I feel right now is so strong. I thought that I could just make everything be better by thinking that everything is going to be okay but the truth is it's not. Before things can get better they go from bad to worse to giving up. I know that I shouldn't give up but my whole being is a lie every one in my life is a lie. What's the point of living if you are just going to end up 6 feet under the ground? I am not saying that there is no heaven because I am a very religious person and so is my whole family specially my father's side. I am just saying when your either in Heaven or in hell  you can't take anything with you. memories, pictures or even your favorite picture nothing.
I have always known that God doesn't give us problem without any solutions but I just wish that in every problem the solution would be right beside it.

Someday

Today was painful. I watched as he passed by me he was the kind of flawless I wish I could be. Maybe someday we could be more than friends but right now I feel like he's the best friend I have ever had. I could open up to him or talk to him. Right now I am not saying that I don't like him or I am giving up. I am just saying that I don't want our friendship to get ruined. Do I really like him that much that I would risk our friendship? I love him I really do but I just don't know if it's as a friend or more. I want him to be in my life I really do but as what as my friend or more than that? right now I am thinking that maybe we could act really sweet or be together someday but not right now. I just think that I shouldn't keep something that is holding me back from the things I want to do. The more I think about him the more I get drawn to him. I just wish that life could be easier.

someday

behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh I am falling apart look closely and you will see the girl that's dying inside of me. Honestly I am just tired. I want to start over and make everything right but I can't. I am not saying I don't want to live but I am so close to being suicidal. I don't want to life a life full of mistakes and right now my whole being is a mistake. I don't deserve everything that I have. I guess I am used to the fact that I am invisible to everyone but myself. I would like to think that there is someone who actually truly cares for me but the truth is no one does. I trust no one in this world because there is no one worth trusting. I used to think that maybe I could trust Trisha or Dannie or even Tala but now I know I can't. everyday I slowly fall apart into pieces and there isn't anyone to pick up the pieces. I really do want to trust you but I can't and now I know that. after everything I have done for you this is how you repay me? if this is how your going to treat me then maybe I don't want to be your friend. What's the point of having friends if they are just going to end up leaving you? when will there be prince charming or superman? I always used to think that someday maybe someday someone will come.

Prince Charming?

I think I like someone. Before I met him I heard things about him.The kind of things in a guy I wouldn't like but what people failed to mention was that he is really sweet and nice and really fun to be with. After everything that has happened this year I don't want to like him or anyone but he is just so different. His smile, the way he looks at me it's all overwhelming. the way he makes me feel when I am around him or the way he looks at me its different he's different. I am trying so hard to hide my feelings but I am Kim its hard to hide my feelings. Right now I might think I like him but how do I know that I would feel the sane way tomorrow or the day after that?

When life is so hard and you think that it can't get worse it actually can. Today my mother left us. She said that she couldn't take it anymore. Mom I wish that you could read this because I miss you we miss you. I never really told you how much I loved you but now I wish I could. Please come home I need you. Please I really am sorry for all those times we hurt you I know how obnoxious we are but you were always there. When we were sick, you were our nurse when we were sad you would comfort us when we were confused you would be our teacher when we were hungry you were our chef. I can't afford to loose you. A good friend of mine once said "If life is still hard, then it's not the end" Mom it's not the end. I will always be there for you until the end please mom come home. Even when we would fight you would still show us how much you loved us. Now I know that I should have stopped you I should have said something but I was stupid for not doing anything now I wish that I should have done something.

                                                                                                  with all my love,

                                                                                               

                                                                                                                 Kim Fernandez

A letter straight from my heart

To you,


I wish I could take back everything I said to make you hate me. I also wish that you could read this because I do miss you. You were my best friend. I know I made a mistake but I do want you to know that I am really sorry. If I could go back in time and take back everything I said and everything I did I would but I know that I can't. I really do regret everything. I don't know what God's plan is for me or you but I wish that you would be there until God writes my last chapter. If I could actually send this to you I would but I know that this letter won't change anything but I really do wish that it will.



                                                                                                            Sincerely,


                                                                                                                      -Kim

My big mistake

I used to think that you were a mystery that you were too much for me and that I didn't want anyone else. The truth is I am tired of thinking that I have feelings for you. Before when I would see you I would get a bubbly feeling that would always make my day but now I know that it's just a feeling. I guess that's why they call it the past. Honestly I want to think that your this great guy but your not. You are nothing but another person that I would just look back to and say "I wish I didn't make the mistake of liking him" I am not mad at you actually I am mad at myself because what the hell was I thinking when I announced to everyone that I liked you? It's hard to believe that it's over. I guess that all good things must come to an end right? all those nights I cried myself to sleep thinking why does this happen to me were useless because I don't need you.The only thing i would remember you of is that you were a mistake. Just the way you looked at me made me fall and your voice was the soundtrack of my summer. I would have rather spent one more day with you and throw away a thousand. That is how you made me feel that's how hard I fall for people and this is how I take heartbreaks.